We Finalized...Now What?

Over the Last Few Months

This blog post is much overdo, but thought I should tie up the lose ends to Carlee's adoption journey!  Reflecting back to this time last year...as we sat and waited for our homestudy to be approved, I can't believe how quickly everything has gone.

When Carlee was about 3 months old, we traveled South to visit with Scott's family.  A 12 hour drive quickly became 16 hours with a baby.  YIKES! When she was 5 months old, we traveled to the Chicago area to visit my grandparents and Aunt.  She did much better on that trip...but it was only a 5 hour drive.  Other than that, we have stayed put in our little farming county.

Oh yeah!  She has started army crawling!  Bring on the baby gates!

Anyway, moving on, we have VERY much enjoyed parenthood.  The giggles, smiles, and now she reaches for us to pick her up have been so rewarding and special.  I try (and I know Scott does, too) to NEVER take a moment with Carlee for granted.  Often times prior to Carlee, I would hear people complain about their pregnancy....or lack of sleep...or the amount of dirty diapers, etc.  I can say from our experience, when you are sitting in a doctor's office looking at a life with no children, you would do ANYTHING to have those sleepless nights, or poppy diapers, or long car rides with a crying baby...Why?  Because that means you HAVE a baby.  I sit and rock our fussy baby sometimes and just smile because I am able to experience having a fussy baby.  Never take for granted those moments, folks.  Some people would give anything to have just that.

Finalization

Carlee has been placed in our legal custody since court in November.  However, finalization ties it all together.  It gives her our last name...it gives us paperwork saying she is ours forever.  It is a special time.  Once that flooded us with emotion.  (Which actually surprised me!)

We all traveled to our court destination (about 3 hours away) the night before.  Scott's parents flew in and stayed with us...a surprise Scott knew nothing about!  (I really CAN keep secrets!!)  Once we arrived at our destination, we met with one of my new best friends!  We met through a mutual friend and our adoption journeys.  So thankful for them.  SIDE BAR:  If you are considering adoption or are currently going through the process, I highly recommenced having friends that are also adoptive parents.  They get it.  We get it.  The venting, the laughs, the tears.  It is real...and we just get it...Continuing on, we swam, had dinner, and went to bed.  It was then, laying in bed (or is it lying in bed?  Sorry English/Grammar fanatics) that I started to REALLY feel nervous.  I really do not know why, but nonetheless, nervous.

Thursday morning arrived.  Everyone got dressed up and headed to the courthouse.  Our attorney was there to represent us (she's awesome by the way!) and we waited until it was our turn to go before the judge.  Once called into the courtroom, Scott, Carlee, and I sat at the front table, while our family and friends were behind us.  The judge asked us a few questions regarding Carlee and documents we had received.  He then began to read the final adoption decree...and when he said ""is now legally adopted..." the waterworks began.  I can't even begin to describe the feeling because Carlee was already ours.  But this proved it.  This took weight off of our shoulders.  This made it permanent and forever.  The judge gave Carlee a gavel and explained that each judge has given the adopted child a gavel for many years.  The court session ended, pictures were taken, hugs and handshakes commenced, and that was it!  We headed off for a celebratory lunch and back home to get ready for Carlee's celebration!

Gotcha Day! 

Often times when someone is adopted, they have what is referred to as a "Gotcha Day".  Some folks consider the day of placement Gotcha Day, while others (like us) count the finalization.  We had a Gotcha Day celebration with friends and family at my mom and dad's house on Saturday.  It was rainy and poor Carlee was getting over diaper rash (like bad diaper rash) but overall it was a great time!  Sunday, Scott and Carlee were baptized at our church followed by a short reception.  The whole week was truly special and something we will never forget.  I am looking forward to starting scrapbooks and shadow boxes filled with the memories!

Now What?

I THINK we plan to adopt again!  We have sent in all the documents to keep our homestudy open with our current agency.  We are not actively 'waiting' at this time, but very little (in comparison) will be needed to go live with our profile once we are ready...or, if an opportunity should present itself unexpectedly!  I have a hopeful dream that Carlee's birthmom would have another baby that she chose to place with us.  Although that DOES happen, I am not expecting that in our case...but how special would it be for Carlee to have a biological sibling to grow up with?  Nonetheless, we will be so blessed by any little one that comes our way!  (Once the first loan is paid off!)

Remember, if you shop on Amazon, please consider using this link to start your shopping experience.  It costs you nothing extra (and the screens do not look any different) but it DOES give us a small percentage of your sale to go directly on the adoption loan! Amazon Shopping Link for Carlee

THANK YOU!

Thank you all for your prayers, love, gifts, and support during this journey.  We had no idea where God would lead us but we are SO thankful it ended with Carlee.  She is the perfect missing piece our family needed.

Love to you all!

Scott, Lindsay, and Carlee

P.S. Enjoy the pictures below!

Swimming (for the first time) the night before court!

Court day! 

The Judge signing the final adoption decree!

Everyone in court after the reading.

Carlee with her gavel!

The whole group!

Us with the Pastor who baptized Scott and Carlee and their sponsor family!

Scott and Carlee (and Shorty, too!) on Father's Day!

Carlee's shirt for court was made by my friend (referenced in the post).  She does great custom work!  Check out her new Etsy Store! Click HERE!

A Family of 3...We Were Meant To Be!

Just 3 Days...

It has been awhile since I had the time to write a blog post!  (Which is a good thing).  Just 3 days after I posted a blog about our failed adoption, a miracle took place!  Everything happens for a reason...and we believe the failed adoption took place for this very reason...

November 12, 2015...

After taking a few days off from work to grieve the loss of  "our" baby boy (birthmother chose to parent) I returned to work.  Scott did as well.  Initially, we had been holding off on writing 'thank you' cards for all the generous gifts we had received for "our" little boy...so that we may include birth announcements, pictures, and the big revel of his name!  That obviously did not happen.  When I returned to work, I spent my lunch break typing a letter thanking each person for their gift and then explaining why we did not bring home a baby boy.  We felt everyone had a right to know since so many were (and still are) invested in our adoption journey.  The envelopes were stuffed with the letters and were being addressed when I received a Facebook message from a fellow adoptive soon-to-be mom (who is also working with our agency)...she was telling me to check my email.  There was a "baby born" situation that had just been sent out.

I immediately logged on and read the birth mother's profile.  A baby girl had been born about 10 hours prior, shortly after midnight.  She tested positive for heroin, but everything seemed to be good health wise with her. Strong APGAR scores and all!  I called Scott and told him about this baby girl and he agreed that we wanted to be considered for her placement.  I emailed the agency back and asked them to please show our profile to the birth family.  That was around 11 a.m. I started researching more in depth the possible short and long-term affects of heroin usage on newborns...just in case.  Probably no reason at all to even spend the time reading.  I even told my supervisor at work that we were waiting to find out if we were a match with this baby...again, probably no reason.

I got a text a short while later from our agency asking if we were "500% sure" we were okay with a baby testing positive for heroin.  She explained that the baby would be in the NICU a minimum of 5 days for observation.  Since I had been researching, and even talked to a couple doctors at this point, we felt at peace about the chances of being gifted a baby with a drug addiction.  I responded with a "Yes!  We are more than 500% sure!"....at this point I began to get nervous.  I felt like we must be in the "final round" of consideration at this point.  I kept this to myself...did not even tell Scott.

About 30 minutes later (around 12:30 -ish) my phone rang and our agency's number was on the screen.  Oh.  My.  Gosh. 

Me:  "Hello?"
Agency: "How fast can you be in ______?" (a town 3+ hours away)
Me: "Wait?! Why?!"
Agency: "Congratulations!  They chose to place the baby girl with you and Scott!"
Me: "REALLY?  Seriously!"
Agency: "Yes, and you need to leave now.  Start walking out.  I will text you the address..."

Oh my gosh.  I have chills typing this and reliving the moment!  I told a few people at work I was leaving and that we had been matched with a baby girl!  I called Scott on my way out.  I told him I needed him to remain calm, but that I needed him to pack our bags and he diaper bag...we were MATCHED!  Of course he started panicking anyway...so I called my grandma and asked that she go over to our house and help him get things ready.  Since I was already 1 hour closer to our baby girl, I had to leave from work..and go straight to the hospital.

I started driving in the general direction that I knew I needed to go...still not having the address.  I called my parents and Scott's parents...I couldn't hold it in!  On the way to the hospital, I had multiple phone calls from the hospital, agency, social workers..."What's her name?"..."Do you consent to the hearing test?"..."When you get here come right to room 747..."  Talk about a whirlwind.

The Hospital

I was so nervous...and I am sure Scott was, too.  Here we were still grieving the loss of the baby boy and were terrified it would happen again.  So many emotions.  Excitement. Scared.  Nervous...it is crazy everything that can run through your head when you are alone on a 3 hour drive to meet your daughter. 

When I arrived at the hospital, (I got lost at the hospital...of course!) I took the elevator to the 7th floor...knocked on the door...and the birth mom's social worker answered.  There...inside the room was the birth mother...and this beautiful baby girl.  She handed me our precious gift.  I just stood there.  No emotion.  No tears.  I had to guard my heart as much as possible.  Scott was still a couple hours behind me...

We all talked awhile before the birth father came in to meet me.  We all seemed to get along well with each other.  Scott arrived around 6 p.m. and got to hold his little girl.  Absolutely perfect.  Here is the picture the agency took moments after I met this sweet bundle...

We named her Carlee Rose...after both of my grandma's who have always been so near and dear to my heart. 

We did not take any more pictures that evening out of respect for the birth family in the room.  Both birth grandmas were there (one was having a very hard time with the adoption idea).  We were told that because there was drug use involved, Child Protective Services would take Carlee if the birth mother changed her mind on the placement.  We both hoped and prayed she would follow through with this placement. 

That night, Carlee went back to the nursery and Scott and I got a room at a home away from home place at the hospital...it was SO nice and we are very thankful for this service. 

The next morning, we went back up to the room, only to find Carlee was in with the birth family for a visit.  Though this made me nervous, I knew she needed her time with her to say goodbye as her birth mom was being discharged...this is where we lost the baby boy.  At discharge.  Once they left, she texted me and said they would like to come visit again that night.  I did not hear from her until a couple days later.

We then got Carlee in a room by ourselves for the first time...here are some of those moments.

Daddy is totally in love!

36 hours old!

Not long after spending some time with her, sweet Carlee started experiencing drug withdrawal symptoms known as Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome.  It was heartbreaking.  She was crying more, not eating, and would shake when you touched her...she hurt.  The NICU came and took her from us and the "well baby" nursery where she had been staying.  We were then asked to come back in a couple hours once she was settled in the NICU.

The NICU

I will never forget the feeling of walking into the NICU that Friday afternoon.  It was dark and full of tiny babies...several in the same position as Carlee.  She was hooked up to monitors but looked good.  The doctors came and explained to us the scoring of NAS.   Click here to see what a NAS score sheet looks like.  Nurses monitored her on all the listed things on that sheet.  Her scores went from 3-18 during her NICU stay of 12 days.  Once her scores reached 8...it was time to discuss a medication route.

Though the doctor's wanted to put her on methadone, we fought back.  I had already researched this knowing it was a possibility.  We of course did not want her to suffer, but there were other complications that could come from the methadone.  I pushed for morphine...and won.

Carlee was started on morphine when she no longer would eat and a feeding tube was put in.  Her jaundice scores were also climbing. 
 

Feeding tube, but still oh so cute!

Once Carlee started the morphine tapers, her scores started dropping and she was much more comfortable over the course of the next several days.

Her birth mom and birth grandma came back to see her one last time.  We also had an incident when someone called the hospital social worker and said they were family and wanted Carlee.  Scared us to death!  Ended up not being an issue but I was a mess.

My parents came to visit and bring us some groceries.  It was great seeing them and having them meet Carlee.  

Thanks to everyone's support in many capacities, we were able to stay with Carlee during our unpaid time off work.  Otherwise, Scott was going to have to leave us to return to work.  I dreaded the thought of this.  Here we were spending all day with this sweet baby girl.  Falling in love with her.  Feeling like her parents...and we had not been to court yet and the birth parents had not terminated their rights.  The thought of losing her sickened me...quite literally...for days.

Once Carlee was on a lower dose of morphine, there was talk of her being discharged!!  She was acting like any other well baby and making lots of progress.  Carlee was 6 pounds 15 ounces and 19.5 inches long when she was born.  Her lowest weight in the NICU was just above 6 pounds (lost too much).  Her jaundice scores improved with no treatment.  Court was rapidly approaching, too.

Just taking a nap...love that fluffy hair!

Drinking out of her bottle...finally!

November 24, 2015

Court day.  This was the day that Scott, myself, our attorney, the birth parents, and their attorney gathered at the court house.  The birth parents signed their Termination of Parental Rights and the judge placed Carlee in our custody.  A day of emotions all over again.  Excited for her to be ours...sad for the birth family...nervous to bring her home...when could we bring her home?!  The doctors determined that her soft spot was larger that usual and had to do an ultrasound...why now?  (later found to be normal...just a little bigger than most babies)

My parents had traveled to be there when our court session was over...no matter the outcome.  There were tears of joy as we headed back to the hospital to find out Carlee was being released!  Around 10 p.m. that night we were finally home with our baby girl!!!  We continued to administrator small doses of morphine to her for a couple weeks before she was completely weened off.  She currently has NO signs of any addiction or withdrawal and no long-term side affects are expected!  Prayers answered!!

Heading home as a family of 3!

So, Tell Us More...

So, the questions we often asked are below with some answers!

Q:  Is this an open adoption?

A:  Yes.  Yes in the fact we know who her birth parents are and they know our first names.  And yes, they can contact us if they would like.  However, they have not as of yet.  It is important to remember that people are people...even with addiction.  It was a fight for Carlee's birth mom. She is such a sweet person to talk to. Scott and I will be forever grateful to her for this gift she has given us.

Q: Do/did you get maternity leave?

A:  No.  Scott went back to work the very next day after returning home.  I took unpaid FMLA leave.  I was just a couple weeks shy of getting 3 weeks paid...but that's OK.  It all worked out.  I returned to work full time on January 11, 2016. 

Q:  Is Carlee normal?

A:  Yes!  In fact, she is hitting many of her milestones early!  She already holds her head up and turns it side to side...pushes up and rolls on her side.  Doctors are very impressed with her and foresee no complications in the future.  

Q:  How big is Carlee now?

A:  She is getting close to 13 pounds and between 22 and 23 inches long!  She's had her 2 month vaccinations and did very well with them!  Barely cried at all.  Carlee is such a happy baby girl!

Q:  Can anyone take Carlee?

A:  No.  Not really.  We would have to be proven to be unfit parents at this point.

Q:  Does Carlee have your last name...like is she yours?

A:  No.  She still has her birth mom's last name.  But yes, she is ours!  Each month our social worker comes to our home for a short meeting.  This is per Ohio Law.  Once our 7 visits are over, we can finalize the adoption and Carlee will get our name!  This will roughly take place in May and will be a day of major celebration!!!

 

Q:  What about the first baby...the boy?

A:  We still maintain some contact with his family.  He is growing and healthy baby!  And super cute.  Carlee did not replace him, though.  She is separate altogether.  We were not looking for a "replacement".  Babies are not car parts.  He will always hold a special place in our heart. I know he is doing well, though!

That's the summary of our journey.  The hospital stay was scary...long...and exhausting.  Imagine watching your child you love so much suffer, but not really knowing if you will get to keep him/her forever.  Once court was over it was a sigh of relief.  

Scott and I are SO thankful for everyone's support, gifts (for both the boy and Carlee) and prayers.  We truly are so humbled by this total experience and your generosity.  We hope that sharing our journey will help others.  We have already connected with so many other hopeful adoptive families as well as shared our journey along side of others in similar situations.  Our goal with going public with our story has always been both a way to communicate everything to family and friends...but mainly to help others.  

Our journey is not over yet so stayed tuned! 

Carlee 2.5 weeks old

Carlee 2.5 weeks old

One month!

Carlee 7 weeks old

Carlee 8 weeks old

Carlee 8 weeks old

Carlee in her snow suit at 8 weeks old!

Carlee 10 weeks old

Carlee 10 weeks old

To Carlee's birth mom and her birth family: Thank you for giving us this special gift.  Carlee has so much love from so many.  You will always hold a special place in our heart...and hers.

She truly is the best gift ever! 2.5 weeks old

The Journey Continues

Our "failed" Adoption...

Scott and I would like to thank everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and messages during our adoption journey...and especially here lately.  We have a sad update to share with you.

For the past 10 weeks, Scott and I formed a relationship and bond with our birth mom, Sally (named changed), and her mom.  We traveled up there on several occasions, I went to a doctor’s appointment with her…daily communication…we felt really good about everything and looked forward to expanding our family.  Not just with the baby, but with their family as well.

Monday afternoon, November 2 (her due date), Sally sent me a text saying that she was being sent over to the hospital to be induced.  She had been to her doctor early that afternoon.  We left and made the nearly 4 hour drive up to the hospital...super excited!!!  When we arrived, the biological father was at the hospital...something we had not expected.  He came back into Sally's life a couple weeks ago.  We introduced ourselves and talked with him a bit...seemed like a nice guy.  We were given a room of our own right next to Sally’s. 

That night, the birth father fell asleep.  So did Scott…and Sally’s mom went home for a bit.  I stayed up all night...She had to have her epidural redone…she also didn’t sleep.

At 6:15 a.m. on Tuesday, the nurse came in and Sally began to push.  I was there.  Her mom was there.  The biological father was there.  Greyson was born at 7:10 a.m.  7lbs 12oz 20.5 inches long.  Absolutely perfect.  I cut the umbilical cord.  I have always loved the name Greyson.  We named him together.

Sally told me she wanted me to hold him first…that didn’t happen.  She held him.  When Scott came into the room, she gave Scott the baby.  The nurses at this small hospital were not all hip to how adoption works.  Some were…and they were great.  But one came in who congratulated dad…and she wasn’t talking to Scott.  She gave the biological father a bottle and he fed him first.

Greyson was taken to the nursery for shots and a sponge bath.  When they were done, he was in our room.  We cared for him for nearly 2 days.  Sally asked to see him a couple times, and we had no problem with that as we were sticking to the plan.  Tuesday night she asked me when my parents were coming...She seemed excited to meet them. We had met her family on and off all day.

The attorneys for both us and Sally showed up at the hospital to take care of some legal stuff.  Sally signed the Care Agreement which gave Scott and I Power of Attorney and the rights to make medical decisions for Greyson.  All was on track and going great.  Scott was up with Greyson most of the night Tuesday.  He let me sleep as I had not had any...and oh my goodness.  You should have seen Scott change that first poopy diaper...you know the one I'm taking about.  Exploded everywhere.  YUCK!

Wednesday morning Scott asked Sally if she wanted anything from McDonald's, so he brought her breakfast.  Greyson was circumcised shortly after.  Ouch!  My parents arrived around 11:15.  My mom held him.  Then I got the call from our agency that the hospital Social Worker had spoken with her…which was NOT supposed to happen like that.   A hospital Social Worker stepped into Sally’s room and felt the need to counsel her.  Sally had already been through counseling.  She was given all other options other than adoption…WIC…Welfare…etc.  She wanted adoption.  Well, this social worker gave her those options again.

Before we knew for sure that they wanted to keep Greyson, a nurse came into the room, took Greyson out of Scott’s arms while he was feeding him and said he needed to be checked.  We told the nurse he was just checked in our room a minute ago and everything was fine.  She didn’t say anything.   Just left with him.  We never saw him again…

When the social worker came into our room…she told us the news. Also was not supposed to happen.  She was not nice about it…in fact, it was awful.  My mom got sick to her stomach instantly.  I collapsed.  I was so confused and hurt…we never heard from Sally again.  The feeling of betrayal, confusion, sadness...it's all still there.  But I can tell you it will make us stronger.  We know we have been called to adoption.

Sally's family was shocked by her decision.  Neither of Greyson’s parents have a full job…or a place of their own.  Last we heard, they moved into a family member's home of the father.  Our only hope and prayer is that he is well taken care of.

When we left the hospital late that day…I couldn’t breathe.   I was sick.  I am better now.  The agency has been great and supportive and will do that they can to help us get another placement soon. 

Scott and I lost $4,000 (at least) that we know of.  We still had to pay for our attorney, Sally’s attorney, and the counseling she had….

We have had several requests to purchase our "Hope for One" shirts as a way to help raise the lost funds...so, for 15 days...you can purchase the shirts again if you would like.  We truly appreciate it.  Click here to purchase your shirt!  Please order by November 23.  (They come in youth sizes, short sleeve, long sleeve, and hoodies!)

We really are doing better.  We have been laughing some and spending time with each other and family.  We are hopeful for what is still to come.  We have a nursery all ready to go!  The experience to us will help us appreciate the next adoption journey even more.  As awful as it is to say, it felt like Greyson passed away…and I guess in our lives, he did.  We just hope and pray that Greyson is getting the love and care he deserves...and yes, he is still named Greyson. 

I have to say a big thank you to my new friends...fellow adoptive moms.  You ladies have been amazing checking on me and giving encouraging words.  THANK YOU! 

The title of this post was our "failed" adoption...Even though it did not work out...and maybe failed to us...God opened another door to help us get even closer to our child.  I have to believe that God brought us together for some reason...maybe we helped Sally through something.  Or lit a spark in her for God.  We may never know.  

Thank you all for caring so much about us and our dream to expand our family!

~Lindsay and Scott

Written by Lindsay